


Freebird2k5Ever

by zetsubonna



Series: All American Bicycle [11]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Blogs, Bucky on Tumblr, M/M, Multi, Not Canon Compliant
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-24
Updated: 2016-09-20
Packaged: 2018-03-31 23:18:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3996973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zetsubonna/pseuds/zetsubonna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky spends part of his recovery in a collection of hoodies and baggy pajama pants, writing explicit fanfiction on AO3 and Tumblr.</p><p>Do Not Repost</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Screenname Switch

> **Anonymous** said: I really don’t understand what you’re trying to prove with these dumb theories of yours. First of all, the Falcon and Cap are just friends. Everyone knows this. They don’t have any chemistry, not in that way. If Cap is gay for anybody, it is definitely Iron Man or WS. You will never get any hits with your stupid Freebird shit. I was really excited when you shifted to Avengers RPF because your Black/Lupin stuff was so good, but this is garbage. Just stop, please, before you lose all your followers.

**Freebird2k5Ever**  said: Okay, so, I changed my screenname, that is how fucking serious I am. PuppyHumpingRevival is dead, long live Freebird2k5Ever, and if you don’t like it, you can get the fuck off my blog.

Listen, fuckface: Captain America and Iron Man are not friends. Have you ever seen them in a press conference together?  _No_. And that’s because they barely fucking tolerate each other, mostly because Iron Man is a Libertarian douchenozzle who thinks the rules only apply to everyone who isn’t Tony Stark. (Read a history book, he’s copying the Howard Stark playbook to the letter.) And Cap has voted Democrat or Socialist in every election since 1936. TRUST ME. Back when he was a kid America still had a functioning Communist Party and Cap and Barnes went to meetings together because a lot of Commies were unionists or Catholics or both. THEY DON’T GET ON MUCH.

 The WS shit doesn’t deserve acknowledgement, I s2g. THE GUY DOESN’T EVEN TALK AND HE WEARS A MASK HALF THE TIME WTF ARE YOU ON. Don’t presume you can speak for a man when the only things you know about him are that he shoots good and Cap holds the end of his leash.

ANYWAY ASSHOLE, I LIVE IN NYC. I see the Avengers in person, in action, at least once a week, and I don’t just mean fighting shit, I mean on the train, at the grocery store, just wandering around being goddamn New York City dwellers like the rest of us schlubs. When Cap is not in NYC, where does he show up on the paparazzi meters? Oh right, WASHINGTON DC because THAT IS WHERE FALCON LIVES. Christ Jesus, Google it.

The Falcon is Captain America’s official partner. Check a goddamn interview. ‘Partner’ has a lot of meanings, fuckstain, and one of them is  _person I am romantically involved with and screwing_. Have you seen the way Cap looks at Falc, like he totally trusts that guy to have his back? OH NO YOU HAVEN’T BECAUSE YOU AREN’T PAYING ATTENTION. Also, Falcon has, can, will, and does follow Cap to the ends of the Earth, because they are COMRADES IN ARMS and also in the sack.

If you  _don’t_  ship CapFalc, I assume it is because you are a) stupid b) blind c) willfully ignorant d) racist or e) all of the above.

So like, if you hate my fic so much? DON’T READ IT, I don’t give a fuck. I’m gonna write whatever the hell I please. This is therapy for me, shitstripe, it makes me happy, what have YOU done for me lately?

> **Anonymous**  said: I’m sorry about the anons giving you hate over the pairing shift. =/ If it helps, I’m way into Freebird, too! I just don’t get your headcanon that Falcon has dom tendencies??? Please explain! :D Happy Writing!!!

**Freebird2k5Ever**  said:Okay, Nonnie 2, you can stay. (headpat) 

IDK, I have feelings about it that are partially aesthetic but also like, Falcon has his shit together and usually people who have their shit together and are well adjusted tend to be toppish? It’s not always the case, but in my experience- which is extensive- people who are moody are more prone to be switches or just straight up bottoms who like to be taken care of (I fall into the first category…)

Also, have you seen him in civvies? He dresses like a guy who would take you home, spank you raw, fuck you blind and then make you breakfast. He’s got those arms and that cute little gap in his smile and his hairline is always impeccable. Also dat ass.

Okay, I GTG, boyfriend 2 is smacking me about the head with a newspaper and telling me I am ridiculous and publicly embarrassing. T_T Real Life Sirius Black, you guys, I s2g.


	2. Keyboard Smash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fic request; Tumblr user Bucky answering an anon who is really fucking confused as to why his latest Freebird fic involved Steve becoming de-serumed, as I assume that would not be a common trope the RPS Cap fandom would consider romantic, and his fic!Steve would definitely be more of a shit than most de-serumed Steves I bet. ~Anon

> **Anonymous**  said: I know you go out of your way to be nasty to anyone who gives you concrit (mental illness is no excuse for being a dick btw) but I just gotta say this- Your obsession with shrinking Cap back to ‘original size’ is gross and you should feel bad for fetishizing disability. Also he is not a dickhole like you, you don’t write him well. Just stop.

**Freebird2k5Ever**  said: Guys, this is it. This is it. This is the single best piece of anon hate I have ever received in my entire blogging career. We don’t have a printer, but ngf said she would print it out for me so I could put it on the fridge with my crayon drawings and the magnets ngfnbf and bf2 are using to have an obscene word war (nerds).

Where do I even begin? You are trying so hard. It’s precious how hard you are trying to upset me. You don’t even know how fucking adorable I think it is that you think some coward who can’t even stand to be clapped back at by a not-even BNF on the Internet can possibly upset me. You are so fucking stupid, I don’t know how you function.

Right so, point one: I happen to find all forms of Captain Steven Rogers adorable: big, small and even this idealized version I have of him in my head where he is simultaneously both at once or can transform at will like She-Hulk. If you think it is not possible for him to be tiny and full of sass and still completely fuckable and delicious, you are just factually wrong? And also you should choke on something stupid like a corn chip? Do you think it is fetishy to want someone to be unaltered by a radical science experiment that basically turned him into the wet dream of the very eugenicists who wanted him sterilized back in his day? Wow, you need to go study some historical context my asshole friend.

[Uptalking is my new thing, ngf was teaching me about gender stuff again and she said it is ‘stereotypically feminine’ so I decided I was going to try it and it makes insulting people on the Internet sound even better when read out loud to the multiple hot people who pet me, so that’s it I’m doing it.]

Second point, my dear little jizz-stiff jerk sock: YOU ARE NOT EVEN FROM BROOKLYN, so clearly you don’t  _know_ us? I checked your IP address and it is from JERSEY, which everybody knows is not even a real place??? It is like the Mordor of the East Coast? Your opinion, when you choose to live in Jersey, becomes automatically irrelevant, bf1 says so (my  _mean_ little Brooklyn baby, I love you so, hometown first love also pick up truck) and he is right about most things (except safety, he is bad at safety, my cute little daredevil idiot who electrocuted himself this morning trying to change a lightbulb seriously wtf???)

Everyone from working-class Brooklyn over a certain age and not  _hipster trash_  knows that we are all hardened, cranky mean shitbeasts, especially to each other, fierce and impatient and not up to take any shit. Also, I remind you, Captain America is a false, media-generated propaganda  _persona_ , but even as a persona he is a  _soldier_  and the US Army is not full of delicate little babies.

I’m sure part of the shock was that you didn’t like him talking to Falcon that way, and you know what: I don’t care what you don’t like! Falcon is a grown ass man and also a veteran and from Harlem and I will bet you cash money he is just as good at the insult game as Cap, if not better, and probably thinks Cap being mean is funny, because anyone who can’t handle Cap when he’s cranky and feeling himself wouldn’t be his partner and lover and friend. (Bf2 is the Harlem contingent and he assures me I am correct.)

As they used to say in the old days of the Internet: don’t like, don’t read. Piss off. I’m going to go reread my own fic and jerk off. SO THERE.


	3. Re: Black Widow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Author Note: NGF-NBF stands for Not-Girlfriend’s Not-Boyfriend, IE, Clint, who is one of Natasha’s platonic sex partners in this ‘verse.

> **Anonymous** said: That one-shot where you brought in Black Widow was hot, but I'm really uncomfortable with you reducing her to a cardboard cutout femme fatale that only wants men for their dicks. Like, you can be a powerful woman and still want a little sweet romance, yes? It just ruined an otherwise hot story for me that you didn't let her have a soft side.

**Freebird2k5Ever** said: This has been festering in my inbox like a necrotic sore for the three days since I posted that fic, and let me tell you, my lovely harem have threatened me with everything from sedatives to restrictions on beer and cigarettes if I don't calm the ever-loving fuck down. I drank so much tequila in the wake of this that NGF-NBF held the bottle up and studied it and told me he was pretty sure I needed to get my stomach pumped. I showed him this ask. He showed me his stash of corn whiskey.

You guys are lucky I ain't dead.

My hands are shaking. I had to switch to speech to text, that's how badly they're shaking. I was afraid I was about to type the keys off the board.

You're just fucking offensive, mother fucker. You're just so fucking offensive.

First of all, yeah, a powerful woman can want a sweet romance. If that's what you want, you can read literally any goddamn fic or novel anywhere in the goddamned world. Women in fiction are constantly defanged and declawed to make people, usually men, more comfortable. If you were trying to come up with a movie or novel where that did not happen, I bet you and I would name the same exact ones, because they're so goddamn rare.

Women's lives are fucked. People want every woman to make soft, serene faces and coo at them, be soothing, and make them feel better. Women’s anger is constantly devalued. Women’s agency is constantly undermined. Hey, for curiosity’s sake, do you also go around telling women they should be flattered some dickhead on the street yells at them to show their tits and hey while they're at it, why don't they smile?

No wonder you came at me anon. I’m trying to type again and it’s taking all I’ve got not to throw shit.

I'm going to broaden this, because how do we even know the Black Widow _identifies_ as a woman? Aren't we assuming? Have we asked? I'm going to stick with she/her pronouns for the sake of reader clarity, but at any rate, only one thing matters in this discussion: the Black Widow is a human being.

Human beings do not owe intimacy to anyone. Human beings do not owe sexual intimacy to anyone. As long as all parties are risk-aware and consenting, everything is fine. People have sex without emotional connections all the time.

Oh, maybe I should clarify: that’s only true if you’re a man. _Men_ are allowed to do that. Cisgender men. Anyone else is shamed for it, because anyone other than men can’t possibly want pleasure without strings attached, without responsibility, without any type of expectation or contract. That’s exactly the sort of shit straight people have been shaming queer men for doing since they pushed queer men into hiding a century and a half ago.

Are you picking up on the anger here? Because all that garbage I just said is the fucking horrible, hypocritical horseshit mindset I feel like you’re perpetuating, my no-name friend.

Now, I, myself, personally, we have said, am pretty fucking sure I’m demisexual. I need emotional connections, or my junk just doesn’t check in. Those emotions don’t have to be romantic, actually, they can be platonic, or somewhere in the nebulous between. Thing is, my own inability to produce intimacy string-free doesn’t make me judge others for how they choose to live their lives and handle their shit. Sometimes, a person wants a tongue or a dick or a finger or a toy shoved in an orifice, but they don’t want to share a bank account. Or their phone number. Or even their name.

That’s fine. That’s their prerogative.

Newsflash, you unwashed, cheese puff-fingerprinted fleshlight: if people don't have to be sexual, it logically and semantically follows that they surely don't have to be romantic, either. No human being on this fucking shithole planet owes anyone else any goddamn feelings. None whatsoever.

All we owe each other is respect. If there’s one of the two of us who is not showing respect here, trash weasel, it’s not me. It’s you.

If anyone in the world has all the reasons in the world to be aromantic, it's a person who has been exploited on the grand scale by society at large, exploited on a smaller scale by those they encountered in the workplace, and exploited at the micro level by those they trusted in private. If any person has any reason, or a million reasons, to be aromantic, it's the Black Widow. I haven't read all of her file, but the intelligence community is probably even better than the military when it comes to instilling people with paranoia, suspicion, hostility, self-defense, and boat loads of trauma. The mental health program can't be any better, because who has the security clearance to handle their therapy?

Check out the last couple of Bond movies with Daniel Craig, and picture any person with that much internal damage. A person who snorts every time someone quotes Oppenheimer. A person whose body is a weapon, who may have that kind of shape, but who is by no stretch of imagination, Leeloominaï Lekatariba Lamina-Tchaï Ekbat De Sebat.

Do you really think this person gives one single goddamn what you find palatable? Her world is so different from yours that she might as well have a blue-and-orange morality. The number of people she lets close enough to her when she's naked- and I say naked on purpose, not unarmed or defenseless or helpless, just naked- is probably in the single digits, and if my flashbacks are even a tenth of the ones she experiences, she probably doesn't spend the night with anyone too often, because she realizes full well she might kill a person in that select circle without even waking up.

So. Fuck you. Fuck you, fuck off, fuck this, fuck your standards and fuck your feelings. Why are you even here? Go bury yourself in a litterbox, you pile of sour kitten-shit. I don't have time for this.

NGF-NBF is going to have to fight me to get this corn whiskey back. I'm going to see if I can strip paint with it. Or use it to clean the litterbox. Which is why I keep making references to cat shit, I’m putting off emptying it out. The joys of feline custody, you guys. Fucking delightful.


	4. Gunshot Residue

> **Anonymous:** so, your postings make me think your familiar w/ threesomes? maybe u could write freebird w/ WS? WS always so sad on tv, maybe Falcon could help? Btw, dissing jersey=not cool.

**Freebird2k5Ever** says: Okay, so, this is one of my nicer anons.

Like, I wonder why people like this come at me on anon? We could have a really good conversation about this. So, even though you reside in Mordor, grayface, I will respond to your inquiry. (I keep reminding you, I am from Brooklyn. Jersey is my enemy. It’s not personal. It’s just life.)

You’re correct in noticing that I try to avoid writing WS fics. I could make all kinds of excuses: he doesn't talk much,  I don't want to project, I don't feel right objectifying the guy when he's clearly gone through some bullshit, but the truth is-

I just don't feel like it.

Freebird is my RPF OTP. Which is hilarious to people, I'm sure. I mean, I wrote what, fifty Black/Lupin fics before I switched to mostly Avengers RPF? Black/Lupin would seem to have a lot in common with WS/Cap- childhood friends, middle of a war, false imprisonment, angst, death, misery. A lot of fic authors love WS for the same reasons a lot of fic authors used to love Black/Lupin. And I get that. And I still love Puppy Humping, my personal name for that pairing and one I think you should all use. Writing it has been an excellent experience, and that audience has been, mostly, super supportive of me.

Still, the reason I got drawn into Avengers RPF in the first place was that I couldn't stand how people wrote Cap and Falcon. Or rather, DIDN'T write Cap and Falcon. There's a huge following for Cap and Stark (my NOTP, FYI, fuck Stark), a huge following for Cap and WS, but Cap and Falcon is like, neglected, in my opinion, considering how much chemistry those two obviously have.

And when it's written at all, it comes off hinky? Captain America is, as I've said, a government propaganda project. There's no way Steve Rogers is that guy in real life. I write him from the perspective of a queer American vet with PTSD. (Write what you know, they said.) I'm not saying Cap IS queer, maybe he's not, but if he came out tomorrow, I wouldn't blink. Would you?

Falcon, by the way, is a guy, too. There have been rumors in the air from people who've caught him on Vine or YouTube (though my favorites are people who put him up on World Star) that people know who he is, because it's real hard to serve in the American military without anybody figuring out who you are. If he's the person people think he is, he's ParaRescue.

Hold on to that gorgeous bit of information for a second. PARARESCUE.

"That Others May Live."

Those are the baddest ass motherfuckers in the whole damned Air Force. I gotta adjust my situation just thinking about that.

BF2 is rolling his eyes at me and threatening me with his newspaper again.  Don't worry, sweetheart, I'm not going anywhere.

Right, so, you've got Cap/Steve Rogers, the world's most perseverant propaganda project, who tries to get out of press any time he can find an exit door, like he's afraid he's gonna say something and get himself in hot water. Falcon, who is pound for pound the most real life of any superhero. And I’m poly as fuck, like, I have two boyfriends and a not-girlfriend, and we’re all into each other. (NGF-NBF is, sadly, completely hetero, or the things I’d do to that guy… Ow! Newspaper.)

So I could put them with a third party, sure. That third party would be the luckiest person ever. I've done it once, with Black Widow, because hot damn, why not, but WS just doesn't do it for me.

The guy has his good points, sure. He’s built, I guess. He's good what he does. He and Cap have got to have some kind of history. Who the fuck is he, though? I mean, we saw the HYDRA leaks, they say he's Bucky Barnes. Okay, but how?

And besides that, who the fuck is Bucky Barnes? All we know about the guy is that he was Cap's best friend. The Smithsonian is like, “He had three younger siblings and he got good grades.” People have written books, but they were all posthumous. He's never been interviewed. Everything we know about him, before or after, is from the perspective of other people. We’ve got nothing in his own words.

There's at least thirty Change.org petitions to put the guy on trial and give him 60 consecutive life sentences. or the death penalty, whether he was coerced to kill all those people or not. There’s another ten to give him a full presidential pardon and a couple of million dollars in inflation-adjusted back pay, assuming he made the highest rank of NCO while he was being held as a Prisoner of War.

War with who, though?

Even assuming the leaks are correct, and he’s a torture victim who was coerced into every murder he ever committed, he's gonna need so much fucking therapy before he’s ready for any type of relationship. The first thing they had to erase to make the Winter Soldier was Bucky Barnes. Does he even know who he is at this point?

Is he a person? Does he have any humanity left? Can a person whose humanity is in question, maybe even in his own head, actually give meaningful consent? Would it be fair to impose that kind of ethical conundrum on people like Cap and Falcon, who clearly have their own shit to get sorted out?

I can’t answer any of that.

Assuming that he can, though, what if he doesn’t want to? Even if he does want to, would he be able to offer them anything other than the physical? If they have feelings for him, and he returns those feelings, however tenuously, is that going to fix anything?

Magical healing cock isn’t real, guys.

This is a fluffy porn blog. I write smut, which is part of my recovery self-care. I’m just fantasizing about superheroes because they’re gorgeous celebrities who actually do things to make the world better. That hits a lot of buttons for me.

James Buchanan Barnes is very clearly a mess, and I'm not trying to have any part of that. I just can’t think of any situation in which that guy is anything other than a goddamn tragedy, and I don’t mean that I feel sorry for him. I mean that he’s a train wreck. I mean that he may well be a lost cause. I mean that I don’t know which set of petitions are right. I mean that I don’t know what the rest of you even see in that guy.

So it’s not a question of threesome logistics, Mordorian friend. It’s a question of “Is this a story that I want to tell? Is this a story that accomplishes the goals that I’ve set for myself as a writer?”

And the answer to both of those is: “No.”

Sorry.


	5. Shitstorm

Okay, wow. Wow, guys. Wow.

I've been offline for a couple days, you may have noticed. I do have, after all, two boyfriends, a not-girlfriend, physical and psychological therapy, two cats, a crippling Netflix addiction, and various knitting, quilting, and mechanical projects to get through. (We spent Thanksgiving with BF2's family, and let me tell you, if you guys wouldn't get confused at this point, I would switch them, as he is clearly the better investment.)

(BF1 just gave me the most wounded of puppy faces. He was faking, but BF2 hit me with the newspaper again anyway. See, when it's Bad Ideas, BF1 and I are the team, and when it's social issues, we are an unstoppable trio, but when it's Puppy Face of Doom, it's always them against me! I don't understand how I earned this betrayal? Why is my adorableness so fucking underappreciated?!)

So I took a break, because, honestly, this whole two emails a day asking me why I don't choose to write Captain America/Winter Soldier RPF was taking all of my spoons and chipping them up in the garbage disposal.

While I was gone, my goddamn inbox EXPLODED. The rate at which I was getting these messages like, tripled? Wow. Did you guys talk to your families AT ALL over the holiday? Or were you busy sending out mass hate-mails? You guys are SUCH HATERS. Okay. Here's a sample:

* * *

> **Anonymous** said: ok like write whatever u want but don't say shit about WS?? like "is he a person" how can u even ask that of couRSE HE'S A PERSON HIS HUMANITY DOESN'T FUCKING DISAPPEAR JUST BC HE WAS TORTURED AND BRAINWASHED FOR YEARS!! and if he wants to fuck Cap &Falcon or both,it's their fucking choice even if he doesn't want feelings in the way &if he does return their feelings they should be happy 2gether WHO CARES IF IT FIXES ANYTHING IT'S NOT ABT THAT

**Freebird2k5Ever** said: O-kay? Look, you are clearly deeply emotionally invested- (BF2 has told me that the colloquial "all up in your feelings" is appropriative, so I shall restrain my white ass)- in this, so I will just back away from you slowly with my hands up.

I'm going to take your "write whatever you want" and bank it, as that is the only part of your little explosion that makes any actionable sense. "They should be happy together." I mean, it would be nice? But not everyone feels that way? And you need to wrap your head around that, kid: not everyone supports the right of supers- I'm kind of going with that as opposed to superheroes- to BE PEOPLE. A lot of people think that they should have to register themselves, like concealed carry handguns. Maybe that's logical, maybe that's fair. Maybe it's a disgusting invasion of privacy, and holds a potential of creating a hackable database of private citizens that can be distributed and harassed by lynch mobs. I'm not taking a stance on that (except I totally just did with all that framing, wow.)

* * *

 Next caller!

* * *

> **Anonymous** said: BUCKY BARNES IS A RAY OF SUNSHINE HE'S MY POOR SWEET LITTLE BABY DON'T YOU TALK SMACK ABOUT HIM WINTER SOLDIER IS A SURVIVOR HE'S THE STRONGEST BRAVEST PERSON EVER HE CLAWED HIS WAY BACK FROM HELL ON HIS OWN SO DON'T YOU TALK SHIT ABOUT HIM EITHER I'LL FIGHT YOU

**Freebird2k5Ever** said: Where do I even start? He's not YOUR anything, as I sincerely doubt you even know the guy. "Strongest," "bravest," again- obviously very emotionally invested. I sincerely doubt that a- however the fuck old he is, Cap claims 30 for himself, so 31 I guess?-  year old man considers himself a "sweet little baby" or a "ray of sunshine." The guy's a war veteran with haunted eyes and several lifetimes' worth of experience of killing and being tortured. Even if Bucky Barnes was a nice guy when he went in- which we don't know, as we don't know who he was beyond "Steve Rogers' childhood friend," as I keep fucking reminding you clowns- we don't know. There's no evidence. And we don't know who he is now, other than the guy who, allegedly, pulled Cap out of the Potomac after those giant fucking whatever the fucks went down.

We. Don't. Know.

Now, if you're an abuse survivor, and you identify with Winter Soldier for that reason, okay. I'm not going to argue with you. Project away. I sincerely hope he never lets you down. I mean that.

* * *

 Next caller!

* * *

> **Anonymous** said: Dude.Fuckign finally someone gets this. Th WS has been thru enough shit already he doesnt need us making up shit about him cos were perverts.

**Freebird2k5Ever** said: I don't disagree, but never was that part of my argument. I said I don't want to write it. I didn't say nobody should write it. I can only speak for myself. Like I told the last anon, if you identify with him for whatever reason, personal or psychological trauma, the sensation of having lost oneself to something, identify away. I just don't want any part of what I consider to be emotional-torture porn. It does nothing for me. 

* * *

 Caller with a point:

* * *

> **Anonymous** said: James Buchanan Barnes has served his country and received several medals post humousally. He‘s a war hero and we should beg lad he‘s alive now but instead we’re wanking about how he’s not the shining ideal on a pedestal we mad ehim out to be. Peple get fucked in service, that’s wht happens and the US military shits on them when they get home in thanks. Sometimes even twice: once when they are back and second time before that when the brass forgets them in some 1/2
> 
> 2/2 shitty place they have been send to because of the US’s greed. They don’t need you shitting on them again and especially not on James Barnes.

**Freebird2k5Ever** said: Veterans’ issues are near and dear to my heart (and my own battle-related injuries, and my place in line at the VA, and my boyfriends'...) It was never my intention to disrespect the service of men to their country in wars, whether or not those wars were justified. So many people join the service for economic reasons, others because they legitimately want to help people, still others because it's an excellent educational experience (which says something about our priorities as a nation, but that's a tangent for another day), and in the World Wars, Korea, and Vietnam, a whole lot of poor bastards were drafted.

That was never, ever my intention and I apologize without reservation.

* * *

 Caller, go ahead!

* * *

> **Anonymous** said: you say you don't know which petitions are right and you want nothing to do with the mess-Bucky Barnes has just gotten his life back and some people would love to force all responsibility for what HYDRA made him do on him bc he's convenient,like he wanted to do it,like it was his choice, when he had his mind and agency stripped away from him for 70 yrs by oUR OWN GOV. AGENCY!! this "mess" IS our responsibility, it's not like he changed his ways,he just brokehis CHAINS

**Freebird2k5Ever** said: Another person with deep emotional investments!

You guys, have you considered knitting? Video games? Books? Perhaps logging off the Internet periodically? Volunteering? Protesting/activism? I also semi-ironically suggest going to a church, mosque, synagogue, or temple? (Because I don't anymore. War kind of fucks up your perspective on the existence of a higher power. Just a touch. Being queer doesn't help one in appreciating organized religion much either. I hear the Unitarians are pretty cool? Pretty sure they have been for some decades now, IDK.)

Anyway, mouth-foaming guy (ATLA reference, gender not implied), I think you need to calm your tits. Both of them. When they have been becalmed, then you can put a party hat on one, and have a party tit. Isn't that a meme?

* * *

 Next caller!

* * *

> **Anonymous** said: u said it youself man the first thing they had to erase to make the WS was BB soldiers are expected to give their life for their country but he gave so much more than his life, he lost his autonomy his free will his fucking memories and now they want to take his past and make him into some traitor like benedict arnold and put him away forlife to make themselves look good before the elections open your eyes man dont be a sheep the media are in on it their all bought you cant trust them

**Freebird2k5Ever** said: Interesting facts about Benedict Arnold: he changed sides because, in spite of exemplary service and the near-loss of one of his limbs, his accomplishments were credited to others and he was charged with malfeasance. Though he was acquitted of that charge, he was passed up for promotions, and Congress decided he owed them money because he'd spent so much of his own on the war effort that they didn't think he'd paid enough taxes. He was also mad because he'd originally joined the militia to fight against France, and Ben Franklin and the other guys decided to ally with France against the UK. So his traitorousness wasn't totally out of fucking nowhere, unless you're a Washington apologist and/or can't read.

(He also freed his slaves on the condition they fight for the British army, which wasn't great but was still a better stance than Washington or Jefferson, so...)

Look, I'm just saying, if you're going to compare Winter Soldier to Benedict Arnold, you need to actually know who Benedict Arnold was, and not just go around throwing out historical references you haven't researched.

...I read a lot.

* * *

 Caller, go ahead.

* * *

> **Anonymous** said: man it’s fan *fiction* who cares that WS is fucked up we just want to see him happy and boning Captain America because he’s hot is that so hard to write

**Freebird2k5Ever** said: Finally, HONESTY!

What is hot about him, precisely? He needs a shave and a haircut in every picture of him that I've ever seen. What is with that? He used to be a good looking guy, back in the day. Now he looks like shit. Does he shower? Need to get him some dry shampoo for his oily scalp and a razorblade delivery service. Gross.

Is it the arm? I'm uncomfortable with the fetishization of prosthetics, tbh.

(BFs 1 and 2 have informed me it is "dem thighs, dem thighs, dem murder thighs." They are both stupid and banned from further commenting on this post.)

* * *

 Next call!

* * *

> **Anonymous** said: your excuses for not writing Cap/WS are as lame as Falcon

**Freebird2k5Ever** said: I guess they trickled out after a while, because this is more my usual fare. I honestly missed these. Okay. Okay.

Don't you ever, EVER come into MY inbox talking shit about The Falcon! How dare you? First of all, HOW. DARE. YOU?

Falcon is a true hero. Falcon can fucking fly. Falcon can fly and shoot at the same time. Falcon is handsome. Falcon is well-dressed. Falcon is dashing. Falcon is polite. Falcon volunteers. Falcon probably bakes cookies, you fucking monster. How DARE you insult The Falcon in my presence?

You are banned. Good day. I said good day!

* * *

 And, finally, a gem I’ve been sitting on for a while:

* * *

> **Anonymous** said: I think you are fetishizing the Falcon because he is Black. You are a disgusting cracker with a fetish for BBC, and you need to stop.

**Freebird2k5Ever** said: I think you are mistaken. What I write is not fetishization, it is inclusion. Never once have I described what I imagine Falcon’s cock to be like (other than delicious, but I enjoy sucking dick, YMMV.)

From your remarks, it is clear that you have never read any of my fics. As such, I am going to need you to take yourself, and insert yourself inside of yourself. That is to say: go fuck yourself.

* * *

 See y’all next week? Ish? If I feel like it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge shoutout to Arlennil, who sent me every single hateful anon message, one after the other, except for the stinger, which was suggested by ZepysGirl and written by yours truly.


	6. The Twilight Capped Staff of Superior Thrusting

I’m back, Internet.

> **Anonymous** said: friendly reminder that dealing with trauma is an incredibly individually variable process and it’s really no one else’s business. Whether or not that person is ready for an intimate relationship is their and their decision only/with some advice from their therapist/ and saying non-neurotypical people are uncapable of giving consent is misleading and incredibly harmful :)

**Freebird2k5Ever** said: Okay, but listen:

Say a person has bipolar disorder. Manic depression, they used to call it. If a person consents while having a manic episode, is it still consent? They were in an altered state. It is not something they would normally have done. Their mind is altered, just as it would be under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Drugs and/or alcohol may simultaneously be involved.

You can't always know, when you're fooling around with a mentally ill person, especially if it's so early in the relationship that you can't recognize their moments of fugue. You might not even know they have a disorder. _They_ might not even know they have a disorder. They might not _be_ in therapy or treatment.

So, while I appreciate your point, and I think your heart is in the right place, I respectfully disagree. It is always better to be safe than sorry. Consent for non-neurotypical people is even trickier than for neurotypical people, and we tend to oversimplify consent issues for neurotypicals, too, because of rape culture.

Navigating relationships where one or more partners have mental health issues (because who's qualified to do a psych eval on any of these supers?) is always going to be tricky, even trickier than any of this. Please don't act as though everyone has the same capacity to consent as everyone else. That's well-intentioned, but ill-informed.

* * *

Moving on to less serious questions, I got a really weird one last night:

> **Anonymous** said: you use a lot of Cyrillic on your blog and in your fics. why do you fetishize Russian-ness?

**Freebird2k5Ever** said: I don't "fetishize Russian-ness," you fucking weirdo. I speak Russian? I have a history with that country, I think I'm clever, and I enjoy puns. That's it. Katja can attest to this. (She does not share my sense of humor, nearly as I can tell, but she purrs very loudly and likes to sleep on me, in spite of my giving her a pun for a name.)

Fetishize Russian-ness. What does that even mean? That I jerk off to pictures of Putin rubbing his naked chest and balding head with bear fat oil, after he strangled the bear to death with his sweaty, muscular arms? Well, first of all, who doesn't? And second of all, why is it any of your business?

Anyway, he wants it, or he wouldn't keep releasing all those half naked publicity photos. He made those memes making fun of him illegal because he wants to keep a monopoly on images of himself. Nobody exploits Vladmir like Vladimir! He is a sexy calendar president, not a lolcat, how dare you?

Thirdly, because I can do this for days, Russia is just Bizarro America, you know that, right? The hate-boner Americans have for Russia is based on the fact that they have actively and openly fucked with us since the end of WWII. In part because they wanted to pretend their attempt at anti-capitalist revolution was working (spoiler alert: it wasn't) and partially because America is a swaggering jerk of a country with a nuke for a dick, and by Stalin, so is Russia.

Russo-American relations are as fraught with homoerotic tension as Greco-Roman wrestling. Might as well take out our cocks and fence with them, except that's called Mutually Assured Destruction, and is widely considered to be a bad idea.

So nah, Nonlet, I don't fetishize Russians, but I find your suggestion intriguing and I might start trying to out of spite.

(Oh. Too late. NGF has vetoed this idea. Rats.)

* * *

And this one was the BEST, you guys, check it out:

> **Anonymous** said: I'd love your writing but it's just so blunt. You don't have to be so literal and crass, sweetie :). You don't have to say "cock" and "vagina" and "asshole," that ruins the fun of reading it. There's so many better words that won't ruin the moment. Why not "rod" for penis? I like "cunny" for vagina, it sounds sweet but naughty ;). What about "rosebud" or "starfish" for anus? "Asshole" makes me think of poo, and that isn't what you want for your readers, is it sweetie :)?

**Freebird2k5Ever** said: What. The fuck. Even.

Okay, okay, okay, but seriously. Don't call me "sweetie," that's another blogger's joke.

Back to the topic at hand: I don't write erotica for the EL James crowd, okay? I write about real people doing real things for hot sweaty fun. (And profit, in the case of that one fic I published under an unlinked alt that nobody has found yet.)

I don't have a "throbbing rod," kid, I have a big dick. I was just going to say dick, but to Hell with modesty, I am generously endowed. I do not have a “flesh spear,” and I do not want to “stab” anyone with my dick. I do not “do battle” with my tongue, and I do not “impale” anyone upon my “tumescent hardness.” My fuckin' ain't violent like that, is the thing. My dick is happy to just be a dick. Sonny Jim is not a John Thomas, and he is certainly not a “maleness,” as males do not always even have dicks in the first place.

(I have been informed by all parties who enjoy it that I am not allowed to refer to my dick as "Sonny Jim" ever again. GDI.)

I don't know how shit goes down in your bedroom, Non, but I daresay you have never been any good at dirty talk. I, however, am a lifelong savant of same. Half the time, I think the harem gets off more on my mouth running than my more-than-adequate oral services.

Now, there are reasons that we are an open polyquad, obviously. Sometimes BF1 seems under the impression that fucking should be a high impact sport with risk of injury, and that pulling hair and spankings and clothespins in intimate areas are suddenly vitally necessary, is part of the reason. I'm switchy, but generally being a sadist is not part of my makeup, so BF2 and the NGF handle that. I am a love sponge. I need to cuddle and pet people, and receive cuddles and pettings in return, and it takes an army to give me as much affection as I require, so they all work together.  BF2 insists that he is only here because we are funny, and NGF is of feline origin and comes and goes as she pleases. That's why she also has NGF-NBF, and I love him, but he won't marry me because he's almost certain he's heterosexual and doesn't want to touch my dick, and he's not entirely sure he's not aromantic, he says.

(He says he is certain that he is both heterosexual and that he does not want to touch my dick, and he sees what I did there. I told him my dick is very nice and he would like it if he tried it. He tells me he does not care to try it. I told him he didn't think he liked cats before Katja. He says that is not the same. I asked him what the difference was between playing with my pussy and petting my dick, and he flipped me off, turned off his hearing aid, and left the room. He is so coy. And pretty. He should really be more flexible, is all I'm saying. I would be so nice to him. And I can make omelets in the morning. Or pancakes. Or breakfast pizza! He likes pizza. I will revise my pitch.)

We are all grownups, is my point. Grown up adults. We don't comfortably melt into each other like sprinkles in warm donut icing. We fool around, or screw, or fuck. Sometimes things break. Hair is pulled. Things are pinched accidentally. Muscles twitch wrong and dildos and/or butt plugs shoot across the room and make everybody laugh.

If I called anybody's asshole a “rosebud” in my bedroom, they would laugh me right out of the bed, and well-deserved. Same for a “starfish” or a “pucker,” for Christ's sake. And NGF has informed me that if I refer to her vulva/vagina as a “cunny,” she will personally lacerate my tongue. Then she will confiscate every beverage in my house with the possible exceptions of coffee and lemon juice.

(I said I would drink tap water. She assured me that she would make it so that I would not, in fact, be able. She did not tell me how, she just raised her eyebrow slightly. I meekly closed my mouth.)

So, no, Mx. Mous, I will not be going purple with my prose anytime soon.

* * *

(NGF-NBF has returned, hearing aids still off, to remind me to “tell the Internet” that I am allowed to hit on him and it is not sexual harassment because I have his express permission. My longing for him boosts his ego. It is the first time he has told me this- not that I have permission, I knew that, but that it makes him feel special. I am flattered, I think. I wanted to tell him so, but when he noticed me attempting to sign, he left again. This is a man to whom I would give my heart, if only he would take it. And my dick.)


	7. Polyquad :3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky has been having a rough time of it. One of his mutuals goes on Anon to give him a break with a fluff question.

> **Anonymous** asks: All your questions have been so SERIOUS BZNZ lately. D: So I'm gonna get NOSY- tell us about your BOYFRANS. (And NGF.) How did you get so lucky? TELL US UR SEKRITSSS. /is so anon

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, I’m so glad for this break, so yeah, I’ll bite.

I met BF1 so damn long ago I think we were fucking _born_ together. 

You ever been in a relationship like that? Where you don’t have a date or a time you remember noticing this guy, but suddenly they’re in every moment of your day, you’re in school together, your ma likes him, your dad treats him like an extra brother, and you’re sitting there like, where the fuck did he even come from? He’s a complete  _asshole_.

And then he leaves for about a week, and you feel like half your brain’s gone and half your heart is missing and everybody else in the whole world is stupid and doesn’t get your jokes and why are you so mad, what’s wrong-

Oh, right. Your _favorite person_ is missing. How did he become your favorite person? Who gave him the right?

And then one day when you’re still trying to figure out what those feelings mean, the shithead grabs you by your shirt and kisses you so hard your mouth hurts and suddenly the lights come on and everything just _makes sense_.

So you continue being assholes _together_. Two of a kind.

BF2, though. I was a hard sell for him.

BF1 met BF2 at work while I was deployed and we were sort of “on break,” you know, like you do. And then I come back and I’m like, “I dunno.” And BF1 is like, “I dunno?” and BF2 is like, “Aw _Hell_  no.”

He’s snickering at me right now. This jerk is nodding. “Aw _Hell_  no,” he says, is _exactly_  what he was thinking.

See, I am sweetness and light here on Tumblr (stop snickering, you’re all bastards), but in real life, I am a grade A catastrophe of a human being. I’m a giant nerd masquerading as an exercise-addicted gun nut. I’ve got PTSD out the ass. I’ve got the world’s worst recorded case of CRS. My _arm’s_ off- 'tis but a scratch- and I really, _really_  like puns and cheesy pickup lines. Like, a lot.

There’s way more wrong with me than that, but I digress.

BF2 hates me.

Well, he used to _actually_  hate me, but now he just _says_  that he hates me.

“Why don’t we have any milk?!”  
“Sorry.”  
“I hate you.”

“Who put the toilet paper on upside down?!”  
“Sorry.”  
“I hate you.”

“Why is there a _stroker_ drying on the side of the sink not seven fucking inches from my goddamned _toothbrush_?!?!??!”  
“Sorry.”  
“I _hate_ you!”

Spoiler alert: he does not _actually_ hate me. Secretly, he loves me better than BF1 at this point and I’m pretty sure that if I told them one of them had to make an honest man out of me, they would flip a coin, and I would be a _win_ , and not a _loss_.

I am not sure why BF2 no longer hates me.

It might be the puppy eyes.

It might be that I defer to his good sense- which BF1 does not.

Maybe it’s because I spend just shy of a creepy amount of time every day admiring how _handsome_ he is, from his perfectly razor sharp hairline to his immaculately trimmed toenails- he is a very dapper man.

Maybe it is because I am very good at cutting vegetables and I serve as his sous chef when he wants to cook and doesn’t leave us to fend for ourselves out of spite.

Maybe it is the cheesy pickup lines I offer him on days when I am verbal and not communicating entirely via grunts, vague facial expressions, and muttered echolalia.

I will ask him!

* * *

…I am embarrassed now because he says it is _my soft hair that feels like kittens,_ my thighs, and the way he and I can _look_  at each other and have an entire conversation about what an _asshole_  BF1 is without ever uttering a word.

But mostly my hair.

Which is valid.

* * *

NGF and I met through gun clubs, group therapy, mixed martial arts, and massive amounts of hair products, and after you see the same person every place you go it starts to get weird not to talk to them.

 


	8. This is How Rumors Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's been having a bad couple of weeks and his anons try to cheer him up with nonsensical conspiracy theories.
> 
> (Many thanks to my various Tumblr followers for the questions.)

  **Anonymous  **asked: Have you been okay? Been worried about you some.

 

**Freebird2K5Ever** says, I’ve been _shit_ , actually, but I don’t want to talk about it and I’m grateful for the concern.

* * *

  **Anonymous  **asked: Freebird: Thanks for being a source of distraction and humor for me on bad days! I always look forwards to seeing you on my dash. <3 What do you like to distract yourself with on bad days?

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, Well, sometimes it’s writing porn.

Sometimes it’s sex, but not as often as you’d think for a guy in a poly quad, probably.

I learned how to knit socks ages ago, so now I’m working on sweaters and blankets and crochet, which is hard when you have two cats who both think your lap is for sitting. (Figuring out how to do stuff when you’re down an arm is interesting, actually. I try to be philosophical about it.)

I don’t play video games. I’m learning how to sketch a little. I’m watching a lot of How To videos on You-Tube to learn things.

I read _a lot_ , fiction and nonfiction.

I feed stray cats. and I smoke sometimes. I watch the rain. I like rain.

I get hugged, sat on, and my hair gets brushed and braided.

I snuggle my cats.

When the BFs are feeling particularly indulgent, they will give me baths.

NGF practices languages with me.

I have a subscription to a teleshrink service. Sometimes I call them.

I like to take naps in the shower. The hotter the better. I like apple cider, cocoa, hot lemonade, and blankets. I cocoon a lot.

We talk about me being more verbal, but I’m not there yet.

* * *

**Anonymous**  asked: Do you take commissions or have a tip jar or something because I rly love your writing and I want you to be paid for it

  
**FreeBird2K5Ever**  says, I don’t know what I’d even ask for if I had a wishlist or something…

I mostly get my clothes from my boyfriends’ closets these days, BF1′s shirts and BF2′s pants. I wear a lot of pajamas most of the time, layers when I go out… I have sensory processing issues, so the heavier my clothes are the more weighted I feel, or something…

Oh, NGF-NBF helped me start a hoodie collection? Mostly black, but like, different black? Dragon scales, guns, grenades, silhouettes of ladies like on mudflaps…

I don’t know. I don’t need anything, really. I have cat food and me food, clothes, a laptop, notebooks…

I’ll think about it.

Thank you, by the way. That’s really nice.

* * *

**Anonymous** asked: Sooo your post - the one where you make sure we know how awesome you are and how your NGF is even more awesome than you - I gotta ask: how long could she last in a fight between her and Black Widow? Also, at what circumstances, if ever, could you outshoot the Winter Soldier?

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, That is a very interesting question.

I don’t know the answer! NGF is _very_ awesome. She is smarter than most people, stronger and faster than most people, and mildly scary, unless she doesn’t like you, at which point she becomes _very_  scary. I would give them even odds, I think. I am completely biased.

As for myself, I am a [crack shot](http://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.thefreedictionary.com%2Fcrack+shot&t=OTI1ZmI4OTVkZjEyOGU0MjlkZTVlYTUxZGNiOWU2ZjUxNmIxMDZhMSw4OXRZOUg0WA%3D%3D), but I don’t shoot competitively, and it wasn’t exactly what I did in the Army. I would be willing to do three rounds of target shooting, or skeet shooting. That is all I do; I don’t shoot at people, _obviously_.

We would both have to be up for it, but at least neither of us would have to speak.

* * *

**Anonymous**  asked: Honest question. Opinion on our lord and savior Starkimus Maximious?

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, Okay, I’m not _upset_ this time so I can be a _little_ more charitable.

He needs therapy.

I don’t mean that derisively. _I_ am in therapy.

He needs it. He deserves to sleep and feel better, and to get himself together enough to not make such impulsive and dangerous decisions, and to be able to support and care for the people he loves, consistently and in a way that will make him feel more worthy to be loved.

I hope he decides to do it.

* * *

**Anonymous**  asked: Dear Freebird, why do you ship Cap/Falcon so much? Clearly, Steve/Tony is the superior pairing. STONY 4EVA!!!!!

 

**Freebird2K5Ever** says, I have addressed this multiple times, please go away.

* * *

**Anonymous** asked: If one were to perhaps gift to you and your small wild animals (cats are not domestic, they're totally just using us for what we can provide) a container of, say, catnip. How would you and/or they respond to such gift?

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, Vanya gets stoned and mellow. Katja goes wild.

I would start putting it in weird places on weird things to see what happened, but I would absolutely not put any in the underwear drawer because I value my life.

If NGF did it, though…

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: hi i lyke ur fic but y do you spend sooo many words makin cap sound dumb???? he is superhawt forreal and u shud writ him more dashing. kthnx!

 

**Freebird2k5Ever**  says, Because I think Captain America is a punk who spent his first few months in the war doing USO shows in heeled boots and tights.

He can’t possibly be that cool.

* * *

**A **n** onymous **asked: Freebird, have you considered adding a spider into the delicious smutty mix for some mmf goodness? I would love to see your Falcon Widow 'n Stripes. <3

 

**Freebird2k5Ever**  says, I did that once. _Practice to Deceive_ , 4537 words, Black Widow/Falcon/Captain America, PWP, pegging, begging, nonsense.

I might do a sequel with less femdom and more-

Nah, I’m pretty married to the femdom, honestly.

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: So how did you and ngf-nbf meet? Do you guys hang out much?

 

**Freebird2k5Ever**  says, I think he followed NGF to our place, iirc?

NGF-NBF has this peculiar tendency to invite himself. If he hears something cool is going to happen, or people he likes are going to be in a place, he’s suddenly there, and you’re all asking each other, “Who invited him?” and everyone shrugs.

Since he’s [usually] such a pleasant person to be around, eventually it starts to get weird when he _isn’t_  around. He shows up looking unshaven and tired with ice cream and pizza. He leaves with your coffee pot in the sink because he drank out of it, and sometimes he can be aggressive and self-righteous, but most of the time, he’s just _a really good guy._

When he isn’t following us to places with and/or without permission, I assume he’s at work, sleeping, mentoring, or just hanging out with his dog.

Everyone loves the dog. Vanya doesn’t mind the dog, but Katja goes full Halloween, poor baby. He’s such a sweet pupper, too. NGF’s cat sleeps on him.

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: Boxers, briefs, free ballin, or other?

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, Any of the above, depending on the day, and silk/satin panties when I want to feel pretty.

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: I forget if you've mentioned it before and can't find it if you have, but how did you meet/acquire/be adopted by your cats? They are adorable btw

**Anonymous**  asked: KITTIES!! Tell us more about your kitties please!? (also, forget the haters, you rock and I love reading your stuff!)

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, Two of you in a row!

Okay, I will tell you about my children.

Vanya is a shelter cat and an unrepentant bastard who needs to be put in cat jail or taken to cat church, I can’t decide which. He is forever trying to get into the fridge when we open it so that he can eat whatever is on the lowest shelf. We had to buy cabinet locks because he is a nosy goddamn toddler who eats protein bars and cereal, and if he ever grows thumbs, he _will_ try to get into the liquor. He tries to help BF2 cook, and has to be removed from the kitchen entirely or risk being boiled alive, baked in the oven, tripped over, or having his tail sliced off with a knife. He has no concept of personal space, and he wears SoftPaws because if he didn’t he would ruin all of our clothes from his persistent affections.

No, seriously, pre-SoftPaws we all lost two shirts and a pair of pants each. He doesn’t want to be put down without permission. How dare we decline to pet him? He is _majestic_. We are _ungrateful_.

Katja is one years old and what is this? NGF-NBF found her under a dumpster and gave her to me for my birthday, about three months late. I do not ask this man how his brain works, because I want him to have sex with me.

Smol Cat announces herself, and tries to make conversation with people. She will fetch exactly twice before she is bored. She tries to bathe herself in the water dish and sprays food everywhere when she eats. All laps are her property, and she will fight Vanya if they want the same lap at the same time. The fights don’t go well for her. He knows how to push her on the floor with very little effort. She expresses indignation but can’t do much about it as he has two pounds on her.

Then she will sit on your head. She likes to feel tall. BF1 is her usual victim, because she purrs at him and he is weak.

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, are you an Avenger and trolling the internet with things you already know are true?

 

**Freebird2k5Ever**  says, Lol wut

Which one do you think I am? Please say Black Widow.

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: This has been a raging debate on my dash and I would love your input on it. Lemon squares or brownies?

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says,

One of each and a glass of ginger ale.

Oh, but if you don’t put fudge and walnuts in them they are not brownies, they are disappointing chocolate cookies.

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: What would you dooOoo for your OTPs to be canon? Do do doot

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, Okay, call me a conspiracy theorist, but _Cap and Falcon are already totally fucking and there’s nothing I have to do to make that happen because it already is_.

I keep my fingers crossed constantly that Rowling will admit that Lupin and Black had a thing at Hogwarts but she refuses to cooperate. =/ I would buy her a milkshake…?

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: call me a crazy tinhat but there are sure a lot of... similar things about you and one of the avengers (missing arm, traumatic past, army service, I'm sure you see where I'm going with this)... but you don't seem to have latched onto the one person who would perhaps most closely represent you in the fandom. In fact you avoid writing about him completely... and you seem to know a LOT about the avengers IRL. See them at the grocery store, huh? Hmm.

 

**Freebird2k5Ever**  says, I will call you a tin hat, from a fellow tin hat.

A lot of the stuff I say about the Avengers is conjecture from what I know about military dudes and New Yorkers.

Missing limbs and psych damage in vets are not uncommon.

Look, it’s a hobby. Some people follow the Kardashians. I follow capes. It’s not any different.

_This_ conspiracy theory is new, though. Are you the same anon or a different one?

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: are either of your boyfriends/ngf into fandom too? Do you share any fandoms? (I'm sorry if this has been asked before, but you talk about them a lot but the don't ever interact with you on tumblr, so I guess what I'm asking as well is what do they think of your fanfic and general tumblr presence?)

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, BF1 writes a startling amount of _Oz_ fan fiction that he refuses to publish, and when he does put something on AO3, he does it under an obscure pseudonym that you guys will never guess in a million billion years.

He doesn’t have a tumblr. None of them do.

BF2 lurks on the Something Awful forums because he finds it less racist than the rest of the Internet.

NGF lurks on Reddit. _She fucking loves Reddit_. It’s… weird.

NGF-NBF doesn’t even _text_.

Come to think of it, _I don’t think he_ _has a cellphone._

That’s horrifying.

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: you seem to have a lot of opinions about superheroes (110% behind freebird btw HOT DAmn) any thoughts on deadpool? my gf met him once and said he's super weird but also kinda nice???

 

**Freebird2k5Ever**  says, I don’t think I’ve actually ever heard of him? Huh.

Having googled the guy, seems like the sort of person I’d avoid. I don’t really do bloody murder.

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: Different anons. My money is on there being a whole group of Avengers that aren't actually known in the public eye, because how else would they be able to try to do all the things? The public ones are the heaviest hitters per say, because of that whole aliens bit. So you’re likely one of the less public eye ones. 

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, This theory is so fascinating. I don’t even know what to do with it. If I vehemently deny it, I look more guilty. If I confirm it, I look like an asshole.

I’ve texted NGF and I'm going to take her advice and neither confirm nor deny, because _that’s the fucking comedy option._

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: Is you being a secret avenger a meme now? I want it to become one, it's amazing n hilarious. I would read a crackfic about you n ur boyfriends fighting crime i.e. trying to pin Vanya down long enough to get those softpaws on

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, That’s the best part of the theory?

If I’m an Avenger, who am I?

Are they Avengers, too? Who are they?

I am eating peanut butter M&Ms and mini-marshmallows in a hoodie that makes me look like Toothless and a pair of Ants-In-My-Pants pajama pants and blue satin panties with fuzzy slippers and a cat on my shoulder and the Tumblr thinks I am a super hero.

THE BEST NIGHT.

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: Oh I'm a different anon, but even I admit it would be hilarious if different anons accused you of secretly being each of the avengers, separately. Or a Kardashian (Khloe, is that you?). I'm not saying I've got a foolproof theory here, as you said missing limbs and psych issues are common in vets. Sometimes there's just something a little too "the lady doth protest too much" about your avoidance of WS. But hey, tinhats recognize tinhats, and I tip mine to you, sir ;)

 

**Freebird2k5Ever**  says, Okay, so Anon1 thinks I am either one or several Avengers, and Anon2 thinks I am the Winter Soldier.

I am trying not to snort delicious apple cider out of my nose.

Why doesn’t anyone think I’m Black Widow? I’m sad.

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: Opinion on flavored condoms? Any preferred brands and/or flavors?

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, I think they’re pretty nasty, but BF1 is going through a phase and BF2 is indulging him.

If I _have_ to put latex in my mouth, I’m not doing it with _fake cherries_ , thanks. Yuck.

Even _mint_  is disgusting, and I thought that was impossible. I love mint. =/

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: Hypothesis. You are actually part of the support staff for some if not all of the Avengers, which is why you can write them so well.

 

**Freebird2k5Ever**  says, Oh my God, you’re _multiplying_.

This is the best night.

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: Admit that Lemonade cleared your skin, watered your crops, and paid all your bills.

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, It gave me a lot of homework. I’m still not sure I fully understand it, as a white guy. It’s _damned_  interesting, though. Beautifully performed and wholly worth the research.

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: Well you could be BW and have some really awesome prosthetics to help with the gymnastics. I can see that fitting, though then there's the question of who ngf is that they're mildly scary to BW.

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, Holy shit.

I need some Black Widow femslash immediately.

* * *

**Anonymous** asks, Anon 2 here again to say yes, yes I do. Don't spill any of that cider on your METAL ARM. So sticky. But if you do, please wash your hair while you're cleaning it up. Come on, dude.

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** : You’re adorable.

THE BEST NIGHT

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: ok so you're into hoodies. did you know light-up hoodies exist? I didn't, I need a light-up hoodie like yesterday

 

**Freebird2k5Ever**  says, You know, I might want one, too? I would wear it when I sneak up on NGF-NBF for platonic snuggle-times. He thinks the sneaking is funny.

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: but what if, plot twist, your CATS are the avengers tho. I'd be willing to put money on Vanya actually being Thor

 

**Freebird2k5Ever**  says, That would explain why his ass is SO FUCKING HEAVY right now.

I think it’s because cat body temperature is ~104F, that’s why he always feels like a giant goddamned oven when he’s like, 9 pounds of stupidly healthy tabby.

THAT AND BECAUSE HE WON’T GET OFF ME AND HE AND KATJA ARE CONSPIRING TO MAKE ME SWEAT TO DEATH.

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: well you were gone for a long time could it perhaps be because you were SAVING THE WORLD? Personal vote? Falcon. On the one hand he probably wouldnt write porn of himself but on the other whos attracted to someone for their hairline?

 

**Freebird2K5Ever** says, The idea that Falcon would be so hyped up about his own amazing qualities is almost as funny as the idea of Winter Soldier in blue silk panties. You guys are smoking something truly amazing.

* * *

  **Anonymous  **asked: Steve/Sam is an awful ship and you should feel ashamed of yourself for shipping it. Plus, I find Sam's meeting with Captain America VERY suspicious and I bet he's secretly HYDRA.

 

**Freebird2k5Ever:** If you’re going to talk about the Falcon like this, I’m going to need you to keep his [alleged] given name out of it, unless you want me to reach through this computer screen and slap the taste out of your mouth.

Your _mother_ is HYDRA, you piece of crusted shit on a public toilet floor. Fuck off.

* * *

**A nonymous **asked: Freebird: joining other anons, throwing my theory out. You=WS, BF1=Cap, BF2=Falcon, NGF=BW. not sure who NGF-NBF is, but i'll bet it's another avenger. sure you'll deny it, but i'll believe 'till the day I die!

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, This is so goddamn entertaining.

Where did you get these ideas?

Maybe I’m not an Avenger. Maybe I’m the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen!

* * *

**A nonymous **asked: I've been a fan of you since your Remus/Sirius days, and I've been loving the RPF, but I have to say you jumped the shark when you added Black Widow to the mix. She just feels so, so--extra! she doens't fit with the other two--they're both upstanding members of society and she's a turncoat who lies all the time. They wouldn't want to be with her AT ALL. Please go back to writing good stuff.

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, Okay, I have a question for you, o stiff crusted pair of week old underwear from an incontinent hippopotamus-

Are you fucking serious?

You do realize the only reason you know anything about ANY of the Avengers other than Glory Hound Stark and his government-sanctioned _Actual Hero_ best friend is because Black Widow told you?

_She_ leaked the files, remember? _She_ exposed HYDRA to the world and burned down SHIELD, the agency that had taken her in when she turned her back on her former country and emigrated to ours in an act of utter defiance.

She burned down her _house_  for the world, and you don’t think she merits your respect?

Eat a bag of expired cheese and shit your guts out for a month, you filthy slop bucket.

Misogyny is one _Hell_ of a drug, goddamn.

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: ummm... Cap is way too sweet and wholesome for any of the crap you put him through!!! He's such an old-fashioned, dinner and a movie type of guy that I bet he'd blush if you kissed him on the third date! No way would he be shacking up with the goddamn Black Widow, let alone the Hot Topic bondage disaster that is the Winter Soldier...

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says,  _***** HOT TOPIC BONDAGE DISASTER *****_

You could almost be my friend, Non. Almost.

But no, Cap has DSL and the tightest tiny ass anybody ever saw, you really think nobody’s had the fortune to hit that shit like the shield ricocheting off a dozen bad dudes’ helmets?

I bet that guy’s seen more dick than a detectives’ underwear store, and I don’t mean to speak crudely, but at _least_ two spies and possibly an entire chorus line of star spangled short skirted girls have sat on that apple pie face, I’d put money on it.

I’m close to making a rule that anyone who talks shit about Black Widow, much like anyone who talks shit about THE FALCON, is going to get told the entire Hell off. Last warning.

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: Love your fics. Don't know how you always make them so hot?? You keep things fresh and unexpected too - wide range of ~activities~ ;) What's your fave sex act/setup to write and why is it most appealing to you? Least fave and why?

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, I like writing DP. I don’t care which configuration of orifices and penetrative objects it happens to entail, I just like the idea of a lot of things going into a lot of places, and that’s super fun to me, planning out the logistics of lubricating, inserting, stimulating, and still managing to allow the person to _breathe_. Sometimes I draw diagrams! Stick figures only, I am decidedly _not_ an artist.

I am leery of fisting because it’s too intense, and I refuse to write things with feet or watersports because _bacteria_.

I’m not germophobic but certain things squick me, as they say.

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: i loved your Big Bang fic! i didn't think a sex scene would've been able to hold my interest for 30k words, but wow i was so wrong! you've got such a refreshing take on these guys. i was wondering--what's next on the docket for you?

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, You know, I honestly don’t know? I’ve been really down, like I said, so I haven’t exactly been stockpiling stuff in the spank bank.

Maybe something about sex _in_ the costumes? All that neoprene and Kevlar does something for my situation, I don’t know about you.

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: ok but now I have the mental image of winter soldier in blue silk panties and it's surprisingly hot, I hope ur proud of urself :P also I can't believe someone tried to badmouth falcon to you!!! lol

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, I don’t know what to do with you people. Maybe we should run him through a car wash first, then we can talk expensive lingerie.

And I KNOW, RIGHT? You guys are lucky I’m averse to needles or I’d have a goddamn Falcon symbol tattooed under my right nipple.

SEXIEST SUPERHERO ON THE PLANET

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: Freebird!Freebird!Freebird! OMG! Okay so Cap totally has the Tits of Freedom™, and dat ASS, amiright? And then Falcon, withthat little gap in his teeth and that voice, UNF. I have heard that man on the news and it fueled my fantasies for WEEKS.

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, I just like the image of the two of them getting naked and sweaty. It does it for me every time. That’s why I’m here. ;-)

Also, have you seen _FALCON’S_ ass?

I… I just remembered it, I need to go afk for a moment to lie down and think about whether or not it makes me believe in God.

Truly it is a work of art.

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: So reactions from the SOs about the "You're An Avenger Harry" theories so far?

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, BF1 is alarmed. He thinks you guys are gonna trace my IP address and stalk us at home.

BF2 says he is perfectly fine if the internet thinks we are all Avengers. It’s not even the weirdest shit I’ve done this week.

NGF thinks it is the funniest thing she has ever heard, but NGF-NBF is unavailable for comment.

* * *

**Anonymous** asked: do you and your boyfriends have those magnetic fridge poetry sets? you seem like someone who'd like creating blatant innuendos on your major appliances. seriously, i don't know anyone who actually uses those things to make poems. it's all sex jokes, except when it's butt jokes.

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, We actually do, but I don’t use it that much. I mostly put my crayon drawings on the fridge with magnets I copied from Etsy stores for cheap.

NGF-NBF and BF2 use them to fight nerd wars with each other. Sometimes NGF comes in and swoops them both, makes them feel ridiculous, lets them both think the other one did it.

* * *

**Anonymous** asked: an avenger would know that peanut butter m &ms are nasty so yeah you’re definitely just some guy

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, Peanut butter M&Ms are a sensory delight of entirely too much sugar and three different textures for no reason at all.

Plus they’re easier than putting peanut butter ON a marshmallow.

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: Hi Freebird! Do you watch Steven Universe? If so, what do you think of it so far?

 

**Freebird2K5Ever**  says, I do and I love it but I am not caught up and if one of you spoils anything at me, you had better hope I am not actually an Avenger because I _will_   beat your ass.

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: Works for me. I mean, you're in NYC, the Avengers are in NYC, makes as much sense as anything else for you to be the guy running around in red leather fighting the SCUM AND VILLAINY OF HK! I just have this image of the Devil having a twirly mustache and really hams it up cause why in the world would you choose that name for that place if you weren’t gonna be a glorious hammy bastard?2

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, And with that, gentle friends, I bid you goodnight.

Thank you so much, it’s been a hoot.

* * *

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: omg so from one pervy weirdo to another, thank you for your sex bomb Cap? I'm so tired of feeling like everyone is judging me for thinking that Captain America is filthy as helllllllll... (also everyone asking if you're an avenger has got to be so irritating I am so so sorry that you have to deal with that nonsense! Please pet the kitties for me!)

 

**Freebird2k5Ever**  says, See, I don’t see him wasting a super bod like that, I just don’t. Enjoy what you’ve got while you’ve got it, y’know?

Of course, I think the before shots are cute. Twink-ish? But _I’d_ hit it.

I don’t know what to do with the Secret Avenger Conspiracy, honestly. It was really funny last night, but I hope it dies down and becomes a meme among my followers and mutuals and not like, a widespread _thing_ that sends all of the internet flooding my ask box and hunting down the social media accounts of everyone in my house.

You guys made BF1 so _nervous_ last night. Poor baby needed petted more than the damn cats.

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: breathing is a concern with dp, but ehh, breathing is overrated ;) Sexual choking (in fic or otherwise), y/n?

 

**Freebird2k5Ever**  says, Sorry, sweetheart. YKINMK. I’m 100% soft touch, I leave the BDSM to other parties.

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: I have a double-fudge muffin with extra chocolate chips that I wish to share with you. -shares-

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, Fuck, now I want chocolate.

I don’t even eat chocolate half the time, that’s BF1′s department and the source of half of BF2′s blowjob jokes.

_I_ never make those jokes, but when the guy says it himself, _well_.

* * *

**Anonymous** asked: I'm the tinhat/anon 2 from yesterday and I am desperately holding back a comment about how this all continues to make sense because breathplay would be extra tough with that metal arm ;) Tell BF1 he's safe. I'm a nice quiet ace lady who lives in another country and has zero interest in stalking him (or anyone).

 

**Freebird2k5Ever:** I don’t think that’s going to make him feel better. He’s reached out to a friend to get our Internet security beefed up already, my poor sweet baby.

(He is glaring daggers at me right now, he _hates_ being called ‘baby’ in public and he’s honestly about as sweet as turpentine.)

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: can we all agree that 'hot topic bondage disaster' is the winter soldier's new title tho because I feel like that was the one and only good and pure thing to come out of that anon. can we also rename the black widow to 'yas queen' or some derivative because that's my reaction whenever I see any depiction of her anywhere

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, I am uncomfortable with that renaming because it’s AAVE and I remain white enough to glow in the dark.

‘Our Ferocious Amazon Spy Goddess,’ maybe.

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: Freebird: you know what, as a black lady, I can respect that. our ferocious amazon spy goddess it is, may luck one day give me the right to lay that title at her feet and then possibly make out with her furiously

 

**Freebird2k5Ever**  says, Offering your body as tribute to a warrior goddess basically either results in being murdered, ravished, or ignored, so, best of luck!

(I’ll join you in crossing our fingers for option 2.)

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: Freebird: please tell me I'm not alone in having the intense and very specific desire for captain america to just, like, benchpress me

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, It is not just you. I’d like to eat an ice cream sundae off his chest, honestly. I bet his nipples look like candy.

* * *

**Anonymous** asked: Freebird: okay, two questions. 1. What do your boyfriends think of you drooling over our superhero hotties? Like, no jealousy there? and 2. What if Cap/Falcon saw your stories?? Major meltdown, or NBD?

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, Okay, so!

The general consensus in my house is that this is normal, for a given value of normal.

Forays into erotica/porn are new for me. I’ve always been into novels and I’m very good at descriptions and details, so I decided to give it a go, figuring I can’t be any worse than EL James. BF2 asked his sister and she told him to send me to AO3 and Tumblr and told me to have fun.

So for a couple of months I was doing my Black/Lupin stuff, and that _was_ fun, and then I was lurking in the Avengers RPF tags and I got super mad about the lack of Falcon/Cap porn, and I asked BF2 to read my drafts, and he couldn’t stop laughing.

“This is so _you_ ,” he said.

He showed it to BF1, who gave me _the look_  he’s been giving me since 3rd grade and asked me “Why are you like this?” which just made BF2 laugh harder.

(I ask him the same question constantly. We got it from BF2, who asks it of both of us at least twice a day.)

They read it out loud to each other from the couch to the kitchen and I sit under my hoodie with my cats and wonder what I have done to deserve this, but they tell me it’s good, and they _read_ it.I figure whatever I write about them can’t be any worse than what other people write about them, so I doubt they’ll ever say anything. I write _smut_ , it’s not even exotic, it’s just _graphic_.

If they ever get asked about it in interviews and say they don’t like it, I’ll quit. I don’t need to be specifically spoken to, you know?

* * *

**Anonymous  **asked: Freebird, what do you think of Nick Fury?

 

**Freebird2k5Ever**  says, Never met the guy, obviously.

If I go by what I’ve skimmed out of his leaked files, he seems to have genuinely been trying to do the right thing. Didn’t always turn out the way he wanted it to, but he _tried_. I can’t imagine having that kind of authority, but it seems to me that it might get away from you sometimes, and you couldn’t help but blame yourself.

His age makes it pretty obvious he saw some shit and made his way through it. I don’t know. He was probably a pretty tough guy, but it’s obvious that he cared about his job.

I know there’s a conspiracy theory that he’s still alive, is that what you were referring to? I got no opinions there.

* * *

**Anonymous** asks, Opinion on Hamilton? I've heard some of it and it seems p awesome. Thoughts on Lin Manuel Miranda doing a take on Cap's story? Any periods of history you want to see on Broadway?

 

**Freebird2k5Ever** says, I haven't seen it, but I've listened to the soundtrack. I had to walk away for a while once the adultery parts started, that kind of thing is very upsetting to me.  _Dear Theodosia_ made me cry, I am unashamed.

The song I liked best was probably  _Wait for It_ _,_ though... Aaron Burr gave me so many feelings.

If Miranda wants to do another historical musical, I'd be interested to see his take on American interference in the Caribbean? (Everything that's going wrong currently in Puerto Rico is essentially America's fault, so.) But that might not be something he'd be comfortable doing, as it's very close to home, and it's not his job to educate us if he doesn't feel up to it.


End file.
